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Shed a tear for the Marine
for he is not allowed to cry
He's as tough as he can be
And they're never allowed to hide

Shed a tear for the Marine
for when the world is calling
They are the first ones to the field
To fight for those that have fallen

I shed a tear for my Marine
For he means the world to me
And I feel safer now at night
Knowing he's watching over me

Shed a tear for the Marine
For time doesn't fly by
Three long months in Paris Island
And he's a Marine until he dies

So Shed a tear for the Marine
For he is not allowed to cry
He is more than just a soldier
He is a friend to all mankind
A poem I wrote for my brother, PFC Johnny Christopher Jones. Perhaps my biggest inspiration.
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:iconmichel-le-fou:
There is much to say for the poem generally. First, family is often a good source for inspiration. I wrote about my mom. Second, the dedication is thoughtful. Third, the form and scheme of the poem is well-written. I liked that. Next, true, the marines are not allowed or expected to cry although they should; but i cannot cry for the army in my address. More separately, it is unconcerned here. The use of repetition for emphasis was keen and i sense a song rhythm too. The style and awareness devoted to this poem shows good poetic sense. Well done, keep the ink flowing.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconimaginative-lioness:
I have already commented on this piece, but I will give you a little bit more of a critique :) This piece is a wonderful, holding so much emotion and meaning. This is a piece to be proud of.

I have a number of favourite parts in this. Firstly, the opening stanza which just has such a sad meaning:

"Shed a tear for the Marine
for he is not allowed to cry
He's as tough as he can be
And they're never allowed to hide"


Though, my overall favourite stanza is the last one:

"So Shed a tear for the Marine
For he is not allowed to cry
He is more than just a soldier
He is a friend to all mankind"


The impact is such a strong one, I just want to hug you for it :hug:

The only thing I suggest you do is place in commas and full stops :heart:
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconxxxxbrokenxangelxxxx:
xxXxBrokenxAngelxXxx Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2014  Student Writer
I love your work, you really are a talented writer. Please keep it up. This one really hit home for me. My bestfriend is a marine, and this just touched me so much. Keep up the good work.:) (Smile) Clap 
Reply
:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Glad you liked it :)
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:iconstalkerchick666:
stalkerchick666 Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
Oh this poem is by far the best you have ever written and shall ever write. I'm so glad that you wrote this. Marine's are people to be proud of. I can't even tell you how much I love this.
Reply
:iconwickedsoulsbook:
wickedsoulsbook Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2013  Student Writer
This is amazing! great job.
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:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Glad you approve.
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:iconkurosaki224:
Kurosaki224 Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
God bless the marines. :heart:
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:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Amen.
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:iconkurosaki224:
Kurosaki224 Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:)
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:iconimaginative-lioness:
imaginative-lioness Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh my, this is such a beautiful, emotional piece with so much impact. I absolutely love the ending:

"So Shed a tear for the Marine
For he is not allowed to cry
He is more than just a soldier
He is a friend to all mankind"


You should be incredibly proud of this piece :heart:
Reply
:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I am indeed <3 thank you and i'm glad you enjoyed it.
Reply
:iconsingagainsoon:
singagainsoon Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Pretty sure I've told you about my very close friend going into the marines and then the navy. This was really good and it hit home pretty hard for me. Great job:heart:
Reply
:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yesh you have. I'm Glad you enjoyed it :3
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:iconangelenroute:
angelenroute Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2013  Professional Writer
Okay, I made it. =) Sean here from #We-Poets stopping by to critique this for you. The main issue with the whole poem is you occasionally have an extra syllable where the lines could read much better if tweaked slightly. The good news is, these fixes are easy. See below.

Title, make "Marine" lowercase if you're not going to capitalize it throughout the poem.

for he is not allowed to cry
***Change "he is" to "he's"

He is as tough as he can be
***Change "he is" to "he's"

And they're never allowed to hide
***Change "never" to "not"

They are the first ones to the field
***Change "They are" to "They're"

To fight for those that have fallen
***Change "that have" to "who've"

Knowing he's watching over me
Change " Knowing " to " 'Cause "

For time doesn't fly by
***Change this line to: "Waiting for time to fly"

Three long months in Paris Island
***Delete "long"

And he's a marine until he dies
***Delete "he's"

For he is not allowed to cry
***Change "he is" to "he's"

He is more than just a soldier
***Change "he is" to "he's"

He is a friend to all man kind
***Change "he is" to "he's" + "mankind" is 1 word

---
Overall, great poem! I hope you'll consider making these edits too, but best wishes either way. --Sean
Reply
:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I made some changes that I felt were needed but things I wrote, I was making more of a point. For example: I chose never over not... because Never is a stronger word, and it is something my brother actually told me. since it is for him I want to make it as personal as possible. as for the He's and he is... I like them best how they are. It sounds better that way when I read it out loud. anyway, thank you for the critique and Have a nice day/night.
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:iconangelenroute:
angelenroute Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2013  Professional Writer
that's cool, happy I was able to help you on some of the issues
Reply
:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
hehe Well Thank you.
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:iconangelenroute:
angelenroute Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Professional Writer
Will drop by to critique this for we-poets asap. Running a bit behind on my usual schedule, just wanted to make sure you know I haven't forgotten! :) --Sean
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:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Sounds good mate :P
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:icontoshiroangel:
ToshiroAngel Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013
while i do not support all the issues that our troops are sent to suffer and die for... i DO support the troops....all branches....I recently lost a man who was one of the greatest people i think God ever placed on this planet, and he was a Navy man.....So props to anyone serving our nation!
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:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm terribly sorry for your loss... But it's good to see how much people care about our troops :D :salute:
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:iconardikani4:
Ardikani4 Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
A Marine I may not be, but still proud to serve. I thought of more than a few Marines I have known and called friend when I read this...I couldn't help but smile at the truth in the words. There is no such thing as a former Marine...they are Marines until the day they die. So very well written, and very well said. Beautiful! Just beautiful!

Until we meet again...

Kani
Reply
:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, I am honored to have brought this kind of emotion to you. I appreciate you taking the time to read this and cheers to the marines you do know.
Reply
:iconbek1995:
BEK1995 Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
God bless you, your family, and your brother! I have a friend going into the marines after graduation. Bit nervous for her...
Reply
:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Well, as long as she can stay focused She will be fine. My brother told me it is all mental. But I wish her the best of luck either way. And thank you!
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:iconbek1995:
BEK1995 Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the advice and you're very welcome for the fav! :)
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:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Anytime :P
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:iconmsimoneaux20:
msimoneaux20 Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Well written. Definately a sensitive topic to myself and lots of other people. I have a few friends who are Marines and I miss them and worry about them terribly. I give my respect to your brother and all the other Marines out there fighting for us, they are truly brave people.
Reply
:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I agree, and Thank you. I am glad you enjoyed it and i wish your friends the best of luck.
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:iconmsimoneaux20:
msimoneaux20 Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, good luck to your brother as well.
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:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you
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:iconlamename13:
lamename13 Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I really took this into hear t when i read this poem, because my dad is a veteran marine. But it's funny when we talked not to long about the military, he actually said. "I'm a marine until i die."
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:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah, I can see my brother being that way when he becomes a vet. Glad you enjoyed it.
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:iconbrittanymyers13:
BrittanyMyers13 Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2013  Professional General Artist
Okay, I know this might sound really critical of me but I have a huge pet peeve of seeing "Marine" without a capital letter. The title of a Marine is an honor, sacrifice, and takes a lot of courage. This is why they call them The Few. The Proud. The Marines.

Other than that I really love the poem. It's beautifully written. :+favlove:
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:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Don't worry I understand. The only reason why it is like that is because i was pressed for time when i was posting it. sorry to offend.
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:iconbrittanymyers13:
BrittanyMyers13 Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2013  Professional General Artist
It's okay. It was something I noticed and I thought could use some critique. I'm a huge Grammar Nazi. Lol :jester:
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:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Aww Jeez xD Why do all the Grammar Nazi's find me? lol I must stick out like a sore thumb.
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:iconbrittanymyers13:
BrittanyMyers13 Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2013  Professional General Artist
lol. That's funny.
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:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Haha yeah lol
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:iconambercatlucky2:
Ambercatlucky2 Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2013  Professional General Artist
Aww this is inspiring. It almost seems like you're writing from a girl's POV :P
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:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Lol that isnt the case :P but thanks :3
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:iconambercatlucky2:
Ambercatlucky2 Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2013  Professional General Artist
XD I know X3 and mmhm ^_^
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:iconmoon-crafter:
Moon-Crafter Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
There is A Special Marine Recon Vet That I will share this with. Thank you for writing this . It is very touching.
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:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :) and you're welcome. I hope that he/she will enjoy it.
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:iconmoon-crafter:
Moon-Crafter Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
He Did Thanx
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:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
That's good to hear, you're welcome.
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:iconopenstory:
OpenStory Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is really sweet and speaks to many. :) wonderfully written as always!
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:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks :3
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:iconopenstory:
OpenStory Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Welcome! Just keep them coming:)
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:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Just for you, I will :P
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:iconopenstory:
OpenStory Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Haha! As long as it happens, it doesn't matter why:)
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