Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
Send me away
To a place not tracked my miles
I know you don't want me to stay
So maybe now you can finally smile

Send me away
Like everyone else has before you
I'll find a new place to lay
For what else is a broken man to do

Send me away
Yet again I will play as the fool
Tear up my heart just to play
Then toss me like a useless tool

Send me away
What more can you want from me
Your leaving my heart to decay
So just let go and leave me be

Send me away
Away so I can go back to being alone
Go back to being cast astray
And go back to a world without a home.
Add a Comment:
 

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
#PoeticalCondition critique

this poem is a decent composition. The sense of indifference that is pouring from the poet's words makes this poem simple, honest, straightforward, and caring. I feel that the words chosen also make this work a really nice composition, and at the same time, this work doesn't have that many grammatical problems. Its a decent composition. Well done.
Reply
:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you.
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Your welcome.
Reply
:iconamaris1113:
Amaris1113 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013  Student Photographer
Definitely a relatable poem!
Reply
:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Why thank you :)
Reply
:iconamaris1113:
Amaris1113 Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2013  Student Photographer
No problemo kid xD
Reply
:iconangelenroute:
angelenroute Featured By Owner May 9, 2013  Professional Writer
Hi, Sean here from #We-Poets stopping by because you requested a critique for this one.

Edits in parentheses:

To a place not tracked my miles (by miles)

Yet again I will play as the fool (Yet again I'll play the fool)
Tear up my heart just to play (agree double play not good)

Your leaving my heart to decay (You're)
Reply
:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner May 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks
Reply
:iconangelenroute:
angelenroute Featured By Owner May 9, 2013  Professional Writer
You're welcome
Reply
:iconartisanduo:
artisanduo Featured By Owner May 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Nice work, thank you for sharing...
Reply
:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner May 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, and thank you for faving.
Reply
:iconartisanduo:
artisanduo Featured By Owner May 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
No, thank you.
Reply
:iconcoldcalzone:
ColdCalzone Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
third stanza second and third lines threw me off a bit because of the repetitive use of the word play. It stands to neither be integral in the poem or passive. it brings attention to itself when it doesn't bring anything to the table. Change the first play in the second line though. Play in the third syncs nice with the rest of the poem. Not to say I don't like it, because I do like it. utilizing the repetition in conjunction with the third lines of every stanza flows nice.
Reply
:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the comment, I'll consider making the change.
Reply
:iconsokkas-boomerang:
sokkas-boomerang Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Beautiful. :)
Reply
:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks :3
Reply
:iconsokkas-boomerang:
sokkas-boomerang Featured By Owner Apr 29, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
You're so welcome!
Reply
:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Apr 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:D
Reply
:iconmsimoneaux20:
msimoneaux20 Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wow, this is very sad. You gave off such a strong feeling of being unwanted. Great rhymes and flow, well done.
Reply
:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for reading it and i'm glad you enjoyed it.
Reply
:iconsecretivelady:
SecretiveLady Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I feel so much hurt and sadness in these words. Everyone has a special part in someone's life, if you "went away", I'm sure you'd be hurting someone in return.

This writing.. :/

That's what I first thought when I read this. I thought I'd share.
Reply
:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
A very interesting Interpretation of this, Thank you for sharing.
Reply
:iconithaswhatitisnt:
ithaswhatitisnt Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:iconsadhugplz: You made the message so clear...but at the same time...I won't send you away. I refuse.
Reply
:iconghostjay55:
Ghostjay55 Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Awe thanks :P
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconghostjay55: More from Ghostjay55


Featured in Collections

Literature by chromeantennae

Literature by WantsToLoseHerMask

Truth by hypermagical


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
April 28, 2013
File Size
787 bytes
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
750
Favourites
28 (who?)
Comments
24

License

Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
×